Prepare yourself for a storming of denim.
As a result I have decided to do an entire denim discovery and naturally, lined up all my jeans in front of my camera to show the world (you, reader) all my bum glory. So here they are. All my bums in all my jeans so I, and you, can learn from my mistakes when you’re out shopping for that new pair of denim this Fall. Enjoy.
Click for even more!you know you want to.
I recently bought these jeans and thought they were cute. I mean come on they’re J.Crew and that store can do no wrong but let me tell you. I was certainly wrong. I got home, set up my camera, and wha-la! Squished, chubby bum, staring me straight in the face.
I immediately shook my fist at the sky, yelling “why!,” cursing J.Crew for cheating me. Cheating me into a chubby bum. When I went to return them I wanted to warn everyone in the store about their future chubby bums, however I did not, I held my head high and ran out of there as fast as my chubby legs could move.
My first true pair of high rise jeans. The spacing on these pockets is way too far apart. I have gotten compliments on these jeans but I usually wear a shirt long enough to cover the front pockets (which are equally as unflattering) and half my bum.
Every time I wear these jeans AJ tells me how good I look in them. Even when I showed him this picture on my camera he said “I like these.” I still don’t get it. He’ll just say, “as long as they’re tight, they’re good.” No, no, no, let’s be honest, I’m a few short years away from 30 and these jeans look like they belong on a 15 year old. I found these at Ross for $9.99 and their equivalent at Kohl’s in the girls section. They give me zero hips buta fuller bum. Maybe I secretly have a little girl bum.
I’m not gonna lie. I love these jeans. These are definitely my go-to jeans when I get home from work and it’s cold out. For me, they have the perfect rise, holds me in nice and tight. I’d say the pocket position give a fairly fuller bum. I would prefer a more tight fit at the ankle though for being skinnies.
AJ hates these jeans. I thought they were close to the other Levi’s above but when I showed him the picture he immediately said “Mom jeans.” They fit the criteria. Higher rise, straight slightly tapered leg. I’d say the pocket positioning does give a good bum overall though, but the slightly tapered leg gives it away as the mom jean.
Now these. Oh no. I thought these were my friend. My secret weapon. I always felt so cute when I wore these and now look at them. No sirree I’m not feeling that bum. Bleh bum. I’d say it has a weird squarish look, and doesn’t plump or lift.
So far, I’d say these take the cake. The pockets give my flat bum the punch it needs and it doesn’t give an elongated bum, or weird chunky thighs.
I’d have to say these come in a close second. They’re very similar to the ones above and give a smaller, rounder effect with the button pockets, detailing, and pocket position.
I have a number of issues with these jeans. The bum itself is pretty decent as far as making it fuller. Big Stars are usually a good find for my bum. But the fading is a little “wet paint” as though I sat on a newly painted bench. The fading on the front is similar and slightly unflattering because the whiskers are skinny little lines. Secondly, these are advertised as “skinny” jeans but they are more like straight/boot cut. Thirdly, the sales lady told me to size down and I stupidly bought a size 24, which is way too small, so I have to play Chingy’s “Dem Jeans” as I lay back on the bed just to zip ’em up whenever I want to wear them. Which is never.
When I let AJ browse through these photos I asked him which pair he thought looked the best and of course he showed me this pair and said “these.” Ha. Ha. I used this pair of jeans in my post about “how to make boyfriend jeans
.” They worked well there but come on ladies. Do you really want to wear “boyfriend jeans” and have a boyfriend bum too? Man bum? It’s hot on him but we should agree that it should stay on him; not on us womens. Of course, AJ was joking.
Wide bum. I love these jeans. I always knew the bum was weird but I wore them anyways. I gained my Freshman 15 in college and proudly covered it up with these saucy name-brand jeans. They’re Sevens, I mean come on. I’d never owned such an expensive pair of jeans before. I admit that I was a disgrace to have known the bum I was sporting in these super wide and baggy jeans was unflattering but I didn’t care. I’d never had a pair of Sevens before. Then I lost the weight (my secretcut your portions in half, dead serious) but I’ve kept them because I cherish their name. Yet I know I shouldn’t wear them anymore especially with their big wide bum.
I. Love. These. Jeans. They are my fail safe. When I showed the picture to AJ he said, “high bum.” Ugh! Why?! When I wear a normal shirt however, it hides the high bum and these jeans are perfect. I can’t/won’t give these up. I love these jeans. They do make my bum look flatter but the pocket (or rather slits) placement keeps my bum on the minimal level so it doesn’t look too long. He’s right though. I’m torn.
I admit I am a sucker for the trouser pants. I also admit these are a bit on the small side. They borderline uncomfortable but they only had size 0 and 4 and the 4’s were too baggy so I decided to take a chance on these. AJ said they were acceptable but without pockets that bum is pretty much out there for the world to see. Those folds halfway down the leg are super awkward too. I wonder if those will ever go away. The higher pockets give the illusion that the bum is a bit longer as well.
I’m throwing these on here so you can get an idea of what AE jeans look like. The smaller pockets give the appearance of a smaller bum and the nearness of the placement also contributes to that fact.
The below photo is courtesy of Natalie’s cute bum and proof that the shape, placement, and size of your pockets can truly make a big difference on the way your bum looks in your jeans.
What I learned:
1) the smaller the pocket, the smaller the bum
2) the lower the pocket, the smaller the bum
3) the darker the rinse, the more flattering the bum
4) for me (Mrs. Flat bum) button pockets with detailing trick the eye into seeing a fuller bum
One final tip that I must leave you with is this: Never go jean shopping alone.
No matter how you twist and wriggle you will never see yourself directly from behind. I hope these bum pictures have been forever branded into your memory and that when shopping for jeans you always remember to take a friend. Your bum will thank you.
Now tell me what you think. I’d love to hear your opinions about it.
Which jeans did you like the best?
What are your criteria when finding the perfect pair of jeans?